


be a man, or be nothing at all

by dykescore



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ableism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Fuyuhiko, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Night Terrors, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, autistic kazuichi, gay kazuichi, internalized ableism, kazuichi 100 gecs stan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:21:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25139935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykescore/pseuds/dykescore
Summary: there was always the question of what it meant to be accepted. of what it might entail, and how to achieve it. kazuichi figured he would learn the answers, eventually. at some point in his life, he had been sure they'd present themselves, but... it hadn't seemed to work out that way.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko & Soda Kazuichi, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Soda Kazuichi
Comments: 54
Kudos: 121





	1. pariah

kazuichi felt like he was a slow person. someone other people considered to be dumb and shallow.

maybe it was because they would tell him that, behind his back and to his face. the other kids treated him different growing up because of that. not that he totally blamed them. they didn’t know any different, and neither did he. in any case, he was used to undervaluing himself. selling himself short because he felt like he deserved it. after all, clever people are always charismatic and good with others. he wished he were like that. he didn’t resent people for treating him like they did, he actually understood it in a lot of ways. yet he wished it were different. he was good at other things, though. not things that would be seen from a general standpoint as very useful, but things he enjoyed. he knew it was a pretty common stereotype for people like him to like machines, but he tried not to let it affect his enjoyment nonetheless. he liked seeing the way things worked, and when he made something himself, it’s like he already knew. kazuichi knew a lot of things about people, but he wished he could learn them from the people themselves rather than just casual observation. he really liked people, and wanted to be around them, but they didn’t seem to share the same sentiment. he skipped school field trips on purpose because he felt left out, and didn’t have anyone to talk to about how he felt. his father would always find out, though. he was half as wide as he was tall, with thin lips and hooded eyes. he was no-nonsense in every sense of the phrase. kazuichi was, unfortunately, a nonsenical being in his eyes. upon learning from the student advisor that kazuichi had skipped school yet again, he would beat him, usually with a wrench or a bike tread. he would remind kazuichi as he convulsed with retching and sobs that he paid good money to keep him in school, money he didn’t have to begin with.

kazuichi’s mother was around, but she felt like a mirage half the time. she was narrow and sharp, her cheeks sallow and marked with shadow. her hair was thin, so she wore it in a bun on the very top of her head that pulled the skin of her face taut. she’d had postpartum depression since she’d had kazuichi, and as a result, she didn’t speak much at all. his father always said they didn’t have money to treat it, but he wasn’t sure he was really telling the truth. he wished his mother would speak to him. because he wanted to have someone accept and love him, of course, but really he wondered if she was like him. yet, he didn’t know how to ask her, or if she would even reply. she avoided his gaze at the table when they ate together, and touched him only briefly, when passing him in the hallway or handing him something. it hurt him. the beatings and the indifference. but it, the hurt, wasn’t something new. it was familiar, almost comfortable, to be perceived as someone strange. that way, people didn’t bother him so much. he settled into the pattern of being purposefully overlooked.

until someone found him worthy of interest.

it was a nondescript day. a tuesday, probably, or something like that. after his father had pushed him out the doorway to get the mail, he remembered that he’d tripped on the front step and busted the shit out of his lip. he began to cry, because he knew his mouth wouldn’t be the only thing swollen and bleeding when he came back inside. he felt a hitch in his breath, a weeping sensation he had long since buried since his father had started to beat him as a kid. he wanted to disappear. instead, he shuffled to the mailbox, sticking his hand inside and grabbing the envelopes inside with a balled fist. he turned to go back inside, not bothering to shut the mailbox. he paused on the stoop, noticing something weird about one of the envelopes. it didn’t look like the other bills and bank statements crushed beneath his palm. the spine of this envelope was thicker than the others, and the edge of... wait, was that a wax seal? people still used those? his heartrate quickened. what was it?

he heard his father yell from inside, and hurried inside.

> “kazuichi! what took you so long?”

kazuichi swallowed hard, not sure he could speak normally around his already-swollen lip. his father snatched the mail from his hands.

> “you answer me when i talk to you, boy!” he said, breath hot on his forehead.

he felt his chest tighten, and stared at his shoes.

> “and you LOOK AT ME when i talk to you!” he said, grabbing his face roughly, his fingers slick with oil. “and now your face is all fucked, nicely done, wonder boy.” kazuichi felt the hot tears sting his cut lip before he realized he was crying. “STOP FUCKING CRYING. YOU’RE ALWAYS CRYING, BE A FUCKING MAN! I DIDN’T RAISE A PUSSY, DID I?”

kazuichi waited for the blow to come, but it never did. his mother had silently taken the envelope from his father’s hand. the one with the wax seal and the thick spine. his father paused, shocked that she could be so bold. she tore open the seal slowly, so slowly that kazuichi feared his father would lose his temper and strike her. she pulled a single sheet of paper from the envelope, thick and slightly yellow in color. it looked special, somehow. she said nothing, betrayed nothing with her facial expressions. his father grunted in displeasure, raising his fist. she put out her hand, offering him the envelope. he squinted at her quizzically. 

> "look," she said, extending her hand further in emphasis.

if he was pleased or surprised at her having spoken, he didn't show it. he snatched it from her outstretched hand, flipping it over to examine the seal. he said nothing for a moment. he made a choked noise, in disbelief. 

> "what the hell do they want kazuichi for?"

"whath?" kazuichi spoke around his fat lip.

> "here," his father said, giving him the envelope with trembling hands.

wait... what?

kazuichi handled the envelope gingerly, like it would bite him if given the opportunity. he ran his fingers over the cooled grey wax, moving it closer to his face to get a better look.

no... it couldn't be... could it?

why?

why would they want him? how could he be worthy of being wanted? 

it didn't make any sense.

and yet, it was true. 

but it would not come close to being the most memorable part of kazuichi's life. 

not in the slightest.


	2. pink in the night

kazuichi didn't sleep very well, or very much at all really.

it had all come back to him. not in one big rush, but little by little. the straw that would one day break the camel's back. the nightmares had intensified little by little, night by night, until they would slip into his unconsciousness as expected visitors. at first, he would wake up shrieking until his throat was raw. in those early days, hajime would always come to his door and talk to him for a bit until he felt better. kazuichi had stopped screaming when he woke up, making a point of clamping his mouth shut as he felt himself drifting off. but, of course, a new ailment came in its place.

he would wake up as the sky began to take on that slight blue quality of very early morning wincing at the dampness of the pillow from his tears, and the long thin gouges he had given himself in sleep. the skin of his back, sides, and neck was lined with scratches that stained his sheets in bloody blotches. he had hidden it fine for a while, until hajime brought it up in passing during breakfast. thanks to his big mouth, mikan had been all over him, tutting and making squeaking noises as she examined his wounds. she had given him some anti-inflammatories from the pharmacy and something for the pain, which helped somewhat. he was embarrassed to have needed help in the first place, and he probably didn't thank her like he should have. he felt bad for her, but he didn't really know how to approach her and tell her anything aside from surface-level small talk. he had tried to psych himself up to it a couple of times, but he never pulled through. nevertheless, he tried not to think too much of it.

he tried to ignore nighttime and what it brought, and keep himself occupied. lucky for him, there was plenty to do. 

he always showed up to breakfast, boisterous as ever. not that he felt that way. it was just something he seemed to slip into out of habit. the rest of the day was mostly spent tinkering, alone with something to put together. he liked to listen to music as he worked, though, which kept him company. ibuki had been nice enough to perform some covers of songs he liked and burn them onto cds for his listening pleasure. he'd occasionally visit sonia, but she always seemed busy, tending to say hello and then politely excuse herself. he didn't want to accept the rejection, didn't want to swallow the fact that yet another person didn't want to be around him. 

hajime popped in to visit him one day, bringing him a bottle of cola from the supermarket, which kazuichi greatly appreciated.

> "yo, hajime?" he asked, wiping some soda off his mouth. 
> 
> "yeah?"
> 
> "um, can i get your opinion on something, like... an honest, man-to-man type thing?"
> 
> "of course, kazuichi," hajime smiled, his voice gentle. 
> 
> "do you think sonia hates me?"
> 
> "of course she doesn't _hate_ you--"
> 
> "but she doesn't like me, does she?"

hajime sighed, as if struggling to find the words.

> "please just tell me honestly. i can take it." that was a lie, he really couldn't handle hajime agreeing with him, but he also wanted someone to be straightforward with him for once.

hajime chewed at his cheek for a moment thoughtfully.

> "the thing is, you tend to... well... come on really strong... about some things."

that wasn't the worst answer he could've been given, but god it still sucked.

> "fuck. i really fucked up, huh?"
> 
> "wait, it's not that bad!"
> 
> "really?" kazuichi said flatly, raising a single pink brow. 
> 
> "look, i'm sure sonia doesn't hate you. but, honestly... i think you've made her kind of uncomfortable."
> 
> "fuck. i never meant to do any of that. shit."
> 
> "i know you didn't mean to, and sonia probably does too. i don't want to be the one to say this, but... i don't think she cares for you the way you do for her."

he expected it to feel like a bullet to the chest. like an earth-shattering ultimatum that he would never recover from.

but... it didn't feel like much at all. it felt... kind of empty. it was like a _whoosh_ of breath being expelled from his lungs. his shoulders sagged forward.

> "are you okay?" came hajime's voice, bringing him back to the present.
> 
> "i didn't really think i would be, but... i actually think i'm okay."

hajime visibly relaxed, a relieved smile playing across his lips.

> "hey, i'm really glad. it's never good to see a friend upset."
> 
> "you really consider me a friend?" asked kazuichi, suspicious.
> 
> "of course," said hajime, not missing a beat. 

they sat in a comfortable silence for a couple of beats, listening to the steady sound of the fan in the background. 

> "hey... do you remember that conversation we had a while back, when you said that i, uhh... had a weird fetish or something?"

hajime pinked, rubbing his neck in embarrassment.

> "ahh... yeah, i do. i'm sorry about that--"
> 
> "nah, don't be. i mean, you were kind of right to begin with. and... i've been thinking about it... kinda."

hajime leaned back on his hands, listening.

> "umm... " kazuichi's heart pattered in his chest. why was he so nervous?
> 
> "..."
> 
> "well, i've always kind of liked the idea of having a pretty, blonde girlfriend, you know?"

hajime inclined his head. kazuichi didn't really think he could relate, but got the gesture.

> "i guess i've really wanted sonia's approval, and for her to like me, i guess, because... well... i'm not really sure."
> 
> "that's okay. you don't always need to know why you feel something, you know?"
> 
> "i mean, yes, but... i think... i think i've been more interested in the _idea_ of her rather than _..._ well, _her_ , i guess."

he thought a moment.

> "god, that probably sounds really terrible and misogynistic. am... am i misogynist? wait, fuck, have i been acting like a bitch this whole time? FUCK, I'VE BEEN CONTRIBUTING TO THE OPPRESSION OF WOMEN THIS WHOLE TIME??? WHAT THE FUCK--"

he stopped speaking as hajime gently placed his hand on his shoulder.

> "i don't think you're a misogynist. but... i do think it might do you some good to ask sonia how she feels about how you've been toward her, and to apologize."
> 
> "you're right," said kazuichi, hyperaware of hajime's fingers resting just at his clavicle. 
> 
> "i think i'll try to find her and talk to her later."
> 
> "that's the sprit!" hajime grinned, which made kazuichi's heart flutter.

what was wrong with him? it was just hajime, after all. it's not like he meant anything by it... right?

> "well, i promised mahiru i would help her with some photos pretty soon, so i'll leave you to it." 

hajime patted kazuichi's shoulder, getting up and heading for the door.

> "hajime?"

hajime paused near the doorway, turning back. 

> "yea, what's up?"
> 
> "um... i wanted to ask... just, like, out of curiosity... when did you realize that you, uhm, i mean that, you and nagito, or, maybe it wasn't just nagito? sorry, uhh--"

hajime laughed. why was he laughing? had kazuichi said something stupid? oh, he probably had, fuck--

> "i think i started liking guys when i was around thirteen. i didn't really come out to myself as gay until i was about fifteen, though."

that was... a surprisingly casual answer.

> "if you don't mind my asking, how did you know?"

hajime leaned against the doorframe.

> "i'd felt fine around girls for most of my life, but i kind of realized that i had this attachment to boys that i didn't have with girls. i had a crush on this boy in my neighborhood for a while, and i mustered up the courage to write him a letter telling him how i felt and put it in his mailbox. i forgot to sign it though, and the next day everyone was talking about his 'secret admirer.' they were all trying to think of which girl could've written it, and i was too scared to say anything."
> 
> "did you ever end up telling him?"
> 
> "never. he actually moved like six months after that. i doubt it had anything to do with me or the letter, but i kind of felt like it was my fault."
> 
> "actually," he added. "'i've also met people i've liked who weren't boys or girls, but that didn't really go anywhere. i was still too chicken to approach them."
> 
> "then how did you and nagito..."

hajime rolled his eyes, but in a way that seemed affectionate.

> "you'll have to ask him, because i'm not really sure myself."

and with that, he made his exit, leaving kazuichi somehow more confused than before. 

> 


	3. gadgetry

it took kazuichi an annoyingly long amount of time to find sonia.

she wasn't at the main island at all, which was a pain in and of itself. he finally found her at the diner, talking animatedly to peko. 

she seemed to pale as he came in, stopping midsentence.

> "hey, peko. hey, sonia."

peko gave a curt wave, and sonia smiled sweetly.

> "hello, kazuichi."

she picked up where she had left off, continuing her conversation with peko.

> "um, i'm sorry to interrupt, but, sonia, could i maybe talk to you in private?"

sonia and peko shared a pointed look. sonia sighed.

> "yes. let's go outside, then."

sonia let the door close behind her, clasping her hands together.

> "so, kazuichi, what did you wish to talk about?"
> 
> "um.."

he could feel his cheeks getting hot.

"the first thing i wanted to say was... i'm sorry."

sonia's eyes widened. 

> "kazuichi--"
> 
> "for everything," kazuichi continued.
> 
> "i had a talk with hajime and he... helped me realize some things. i've been really creepy to you, and i didn't mean to be at all, but i still made you really uncomfortable and i'm so sorry. i think i've been treating you like a two-dimensional version of girls my dad wanted me to be interested in, and i realize now how dehumanizing that is, and i don't want you to hate me or think i'm a misogynist or hate women because--"
> 
> "kazuichi, it's okay."

sonia was smiling. huh? but... he hurt her and made her feel weird. why was she saying that?

> "it's really not okay. and i know that's another thing that women are conditioned to say to make men feel better, and i want you to know that you don't have to do that."

sonia seemed to soften.

> "kazuichi, thank you. you're right. and, though you did make me uncomfortable, i'm glad that you're aware of it now and thought to make amends. in truth, i should have put my foot down at some point and told you 'no,' at least."
> 
> "maybe, but i know that women are also conditioned to not say no to spare men's feelings, too."

sonia smiled, and it was a little sad, but definitely genuine.

> "i think that's true. you're very observant."

kazuichi grinned sheepishly. 

> "not very often, i guess."

sonia laughed.

> "can we be friends, do you think?"
> 
> "friends, definitely," sonia said with a determined smile. 

kazuichi couldn't remember why she seemed so scary to talk to. 

he bid her goodbye to enjoy her time with peko, and headed back to his workshop feeling better than he had in a long while. 

he worked to music for a while. he was working on a small motor, a part of something he was going to give to hajime as a thank-you gift. he didn't really know what it was gonna be, but he would figure that part out later.

he hummed to himself, repeating the comforting motion of rocking back and forth slightly as he went. he stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth in concentration, closing one eye to see what he was doing. 

> "oi, kazuichi," came a voice.
> 
> "AHHHHHH!"

kazuichi leaped up, biting his tongue and dropping the motor on the floor. 

> "jesus, it's just me," said fuyuhiko, holding up his hands in a surrender motion. 
> 
> "i didn't hear you come in- ow," kazuichi ran his tongue across his teeth. 
> 
> "are you... bleeding?" asked fuyuhiko.
> 
> "it's fine," he said, turning his gaze to the floor.
> 
> "damn," he said to himself, plucking the broken bits of the motor off the floor.
> 
> "shit, did i do that? i'm sorry, man."

kazuichi shook the smaller pieces in one hand, comparing them to the bigger pieces in his other hand.

> "don't worry about it. it should be easy enough to put back together."
> 
> "you sure?" said fuyuhiko, unconvinced. 
> 
> "cause' i'd feel kinda bad if i helped break something you worked real hard on."
> 
> "nah, it's okay. i just started working on it earlier, so it shouldn't take very long to fix it. anyway, i was probably gonna take it apart later. you saved me a step, i guess."

fuyuhiko chuckled slightly, relieved. 

> "so... what brings you here?"
> 
> "nothing. i was just bored, and i thought i'd come check on you."

kazuichi didn't pry. instead, he sat down on the floor crosslegged, already started to reassemble the little machine.

> "..."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "can i watch?"

kazuichi looked up at fuyuhiko, surprised.

> "what, did i say something weird?"
> 
> "no, it's just... i don't think anyone's ever asked me that before."
> 
> "so, is that a _no_ , orrrrr-"
> 
> "NO! i mean, yes, i mean... yes, you can watch."
> 
> "cool," said fuyuhiko.

he sat down near kazuichi, resting his chin on his hand. he was kind of... close to him. did he always sit this close to him? that was a dumb question, they didn't really sit together much anyway. they sat in silence, fuyuhiko watching intently and kazuichi intently focused. kazuichi made a _hmph_ sound.

> "what happened?" asked fuyuhiko.
> 
> "oh, i just realized it wouldn't have worked before anyway because i forgot to put a grommet on this bearing."
> 
> "ohh, i see."

it was silent for a while.

> "how does it work?"
> 
> "hm?"
> 
> "what you're making... how does it work?"

huh... no one had really asked him about that before.

> "okay, so this is a clockwork motor. these are pretty simple because they use kinetic energy instead of electricity or a different kind of energy."
> 
> "what's this for?"

fuyuhiko reached over kazuichi's shoulder to point to a tight coil in the body of the machine. he retracted his arm, but didn't move back. he got a little closer, actually. which would make sense, considering that he was trying to get a better look at what kazuichi was doing.

> "so, this spring holds, so to speak, the energy that's created when you push and turn the key-- huh, where'd the key go?"
> 
> "what's it look like?"
> 
> "it's a little silver piece that looks like a propeller. it must have fallen somewhere when i dropped it."

fuyuhiko shifted his weight, looking around. 

> "hey, i think i found it."

he reached behind kazuichi with his close arm, brushing the back of his jumpsuit with his sleeve.

> "here you go," he said, holding his palm out with the key.

kazuichi hesitated, fingers hovering over fuyuhiko's hand, before gently taking it and placing it on top of the spring. fuyuhiko's hand was weirdly soft. not what you'd expect from the ultimate yakuza. then again, even though he was pretty defensive and foul-mouthed, he didn't seem to have the heart to really hurt anyone. kazuichi could be wrong, though. he liked fuyuhiko, yea, he liked him, but he didn't know a lot about him, he thought.

> "so, this is the gear that the energy from the spring moves. the gear pushes this wheel here, which makes it move."
> 
> "it's cool you just know this stuff."
> 
> "they don't call me the ultimate mechanic for nothing," said kazuichi, grinning and flashing a thumbs up.

fuyuhiko smiled. it was nice.

> "where'd you learn all this stuff anyway?"
> 
> "my old man taught me," said kazuichi. it must have come out more bitter than he had intended, because he felt fuyuhiko looking at him funny.
> 
> "w-what?"
> 
> "i dunno, it just seems like you don't like your dad very much."

kazuichi snorted.

> "what an understatement."

without thinking, kazuichi lifted up the front of his shirt to expose a raised scar across the edge of his stomach and over his side.

> "he gave me this when i broke a lightbulb by accident. i think it was ten... no, nine."

fuyuhiko winced.

> "probably hurt like hell. what's it from, anyway?"
> 
> "bike chain," kazuichi replied, letting his shirt fall.
> 
> "goddamn," fuyuhiko said softly.

kazuichi brushed it off.

> "it's fine. it's all healed now, anyway. besides, this probably seems pretty weak compared to the other stuff i've done."

neither one of them spoke. it's not like they'd been denying... what had happened. but it was something you'd rather want to forget. 

> "i paid it forward."
> 
> "paid what forward?" asked fuyuhiko, not following. 
> 
> "that scar, i mean. and all the others."

he took in a breath. why was he telling fuyuhiko any of this? 

> "i... i um... i pumped him full of air with an air compressor you use for tires. then... i finished him off with a bike chain."

fuyuhiko said nothing.

shit.

too much.

wayyyy too much.

he was probably freaked out by him now. 

just like everyone else.

> "he deserved it."

kazuichi was taken aback.

> "what?"
> 
> "he deserved it for what he did to you. people who beat their kids are fucking scum."

fuyuhiko's tone was flat and cold.

for a moment, it was easy to see how fuyuhiko could hurt someone. 

> "no kid should have to go through that. ever."

and just as soon as it came, it faded.

> "fuyuhiko, you're pretty noble, you know that?"

fuyuhiko blushed, crossing his arms.

> "i mean... if you say so."

they sat together for a while longer, fuyuhiko piping in with apt questions as kazuichi worked, answering them with ease.

the nighttime chime rang out from the monitors, followed my usami's brief message.

> "wait, did we miss dinner?" kazuichi asked, realizing.
> 
> "shit, i guess so," fuyuhiko confirmed, checking his watch. 
> 
> "i guess i can get kinda caught up in this stuff sometimes."
> 
> "i can see why. it's pretty calming."
> 
> "yea, it is."

it felt really nice for someone to affirm his passions. hell, even having someone ask questions and genuinely be interested was pretty nice.

> "well... i guess i'll see you in the morning," said fuyuhiko.
> 
> "right," replied kazuichi, pocketing the little clockwork motor for later.
> 
> "goodnight, then."

fuyuhiko nodded in acknowledgement, heading for the door. kazuichi gathered up some spare gears and dumped them in a box on the shelf.

> "oi, kazuichi."
> 
> "yea?"
> 
> "i'm coming back tomorrow."
> 
> "oh. really?"
> 
> "yea. it's a lot less boring than walking around anyway."
> 
> "cool. see you then."

fuyuhiko gave a cheeky salute, and left. kazuichi cleaned up a little bit before heading back to his cottage, not feeling as tired as usual. he took a quick shower and applied cream to his scratches from the night before, gritting his teeth as he dragged a cotton pad across the red spots. he got into bed, and as he felt his eyes get heavy, he didn't feel the typical apprehension that came with nighttime.

hajime had been right. kazuichi was glad he had confided in him.

and fuyuhiko... he had been really nice. it was... really different. but good.

kazuichi sighed out, relinquishing himself to sleep and the nightmares that might tag along with it. 

> 


	4. the body is a blade

kazuichi dreamt mostly in black and white.

it's not like it was life threatening or anything. just kinda weird. but not really weird enough to be noticeable in comparison to all his other traits. he had always dreamt that way. there were the occasional flashes and spots of red or green. he always remembered when his dreams had color. it had been something interesting to think about in the days... before. since he'd regained his memory, like some kind of deep-conscious penance, he dreamt of almost exclusively nightmares. he felt lucky his dreams didn't usually have color. he didn't think he could handle the sight of so much vividly-red blood. 

that night, he did not dream of the more terrible things he'd done. of the people he'd slaughtered or how he'd mutilated their bodies when they were dead.

he dreamed of junko enoshima. which, in truth, was not much of a departure. conjuring the image of her would always be something jarring to behold.

on the surface, she looked to be a girl in her twenties. a beautiful girl with little bear scrunchies keeping two massive pigtails held aloft. she was interesting to look at, but not inherently ominous or indicative of something more sinister. except for those eyes. they weren't strange in color, size, or shape, with full lashes on her top and bottom lids. it was the way they looked, but they way they... well.... _looked._ looking into junko's eyes was like watching a trainwreck in motion or a mother and child being burned alive in a car crash. it was terrible and overwhelming and capable of tremors down into your belly. no one would want to keep looking into her eyes like that, but something would keep you there. clutch you there like you were dying slowly, losing function in each part of your body bit by bit. 

he dreamt of her and he could see the color of her eyes.

and he woke up screaming for the first time in months, diagonal gouges across his back and chest that puckered at the slight breeze from his open window.

a sharp knock came from his door. hajime. poor guy had to deal with kazuichi's trauma on top of his own. kazuichi felt guilty, but there was nothing at present that could be done about that. he lightly wrapped the topsheet from his bed over his shoulders, almost crying out from the pain. he shuffled slowly to the front door, struggling with the lock a few times before pulling it open.

?????

> "fuyuhiko?"
> 
> "i heard you scream. nightmares again?"
> 
> "how... how do you know about that?"
> 
> "hajime's got a big mouth," said fuyuhiko matter-of-factly.

kazuichi sighed, leaning against the doorframe for support.

> "whoa... what the fuck happened to you?" fuyuhiko stared in concern at the gashes on kazuichi's chest.
> 
> "ahh... just... nightmare stuff."
> 
> "no, that's not normal. i'm coming in."
> 
> "wait, you can't just--"

but he did. there was nothing kazuichi could do about that. kazuichi tried to nudge the door closed with his hip, which turned out to be a pretty shit idea, as he slid on the topsheet and ate shit out of the floor.

> "jesus christ," said fuyuhiko, slinging one of kazuichi's arms over his shoulder.

kazuichi wailed in pain as the fabric of fuyuhiko's shirt pressed into the cuts on his arm.

> "what?! what happened?!"
> 
> "hurts.... so bad.... please..."
> 
> "okay, big guy. i'm sorry. let's go slow, then."

it took the better part of ten minutes to get kazuichi off the floor and into bed without effectively making him pass out. when kazuichi was as settled as possible in bed, fuyuhiko was rifling through the cabinets in the bathroom.

> "fuyuhiko... please turn off the light, it's too bright and it hurts my eyes."
> 
> "i wouldn't _have to_ use the light if i could FIND anything in this pigsty." fuyuhiko's voice was muffled from inside the cabinet. 
> 
> "here, you big baby," he said, flicking off the light. 

he sat on the edge of the bed, feet not touching the ground. this was pretty funny, and kind of endearing at the same time, but kazuichi was in too much pain to make a comment about it to fuyuhiko. _especially_ if it meant incurring his wrath. 

> "goddamn, how does mikan even understand any of this stuff? it's like... all in latin."

kazuichi groaned, feeling fresh tears well up.

> "hold on," said fuyuhiko, pouring the salve onto a cotton pad.
> 
> "i don't want this to hurt, but it's gonna. scream as much as you want, but this is gonna make you feel better."

his words were somewhat comforting. 

he was right, though. it hurt like a motherfucker and kazuichi couldn't stop whimpering like a little whelp. but fuyuhiko was actually really gentle, dabbing on the cream instead of rubbing it like kazuichi had been doing. he went slowly, seemingly unaffected by kazuichi's sounds of pain. every so often, he would say something encouraging. 

> "you'll get through it."
> 
> "this will make it feel better."
> 
> "you're alright."
> 
> "nearly done."

there was nothing flowery about fuyuhiko's small affirmations, but they were appreciated all the same. 

kazuichi felt exhausted by the time fuyuhiko was done. he felt sleep crooning in his ear, but he was afraid of it. he didn't want to see her face again. he didn't want to see his father's bloated face before he was choked to death. he wanted a peaceful sleep, just once. instead, he called out.

> "f-fuyuhiko?"
> 
> "yeah?"
> 
> "do... you ever get nightmares?"
> 
> "always have."
> 
> "always?"
> 
> "yeah. i'm used to them by now."

kazuichi felt a shameful blush creep up to his ears.

> "i'm sorry. i shouldn't be complaining to you when you have it worse."
> 
> "hey. don't ever apologize for what you feel. how i feel doesn't change how you feel. and it shouldn't. got that?"

kazuichi nodded, a little scared, but also... relaxed, in a way.

> "you should get some sleep," said fuyuhiko. he balled up the cotton pads, throwing them away and rearranging things in the cabinets.
> 
> "you need to sleep, too, you know."
> 
> "yea, i'm going. night."
> 
> "...wait."

fuyuhiko turned, and kazuichi realized he wasn't wearing his eyepatch. he obviously didn't wear it to sleep, that wouldn't do anything. but... he had never seen him without it, not that he could remember. 

> "well, out with it. what do you want?"

kazuichi realized he'd just been staring for a couple beats.

> "could you... stay here... just for a while? i'm... i'm honestly afraid to go to sleep."

he expected an outright refusal, or at best a hesitation before saying no.

> "okay."
> 
> "just like that?"
> 
> "did you want me to say no?"
> 
> "NO, i was just... surprised is all."

fuyuhiko scoffed.

> "throw me a pillow, would you?"
> 
> "huh? why?"

fuyuhiko squinted at him quizzically.

> "so i can sleep?" he gestured to the floor next to kazuichi's bed.
> 
> "oh. right, yea, sorry."

he was obviously going to sleep on the floor. why would kazuichi have thought any different. 

> "do you want a blanket?"
> 
> "nah. i'm set. just try to get some sleep."
> 
> "okay. goodnight, fuyuhiko."
> 
> "night."
> 
> "hey."
> 
> "what?"
> 
> "thanks. for all of this."
> 
> "don't mention it. now go to sleep."
> 
> "okay."

there was something comforting about knowing that there was another person in the same room. they were both vulnerable, completely exposed as they tried to sleep. kazuichi figured there was probably something real important in there that was telling of something about fuyuhiko's character.

but he was so tired, he would have to revisit that thought some other time. but he'd definitely go back and think about it later. he wasn't exactly sure why... it just seemed like the right thing to do.


	5. morally grey

fuyuhiko had lied to kazuichi.

he had told him that he'd always had nightmares. it wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth, and that's what mattered. 

since he had gotten his memories back, he had slept soundly, without a single bad dream. not even one.

there was definitely something psychological that could explain why, but he had no idea how he might go about getting answers. he didn't want to approach someone else and explain it to them. there was no way he'd let himself be that vulnerable. no way.

he _had_ been somewhat vulnerable with kazuichi, but that was different. it was to comfort him, not that fuyuhiko really wanted to. that's probably why he had lied in the first place. he felt bad about it, though. it's not like he really owed kazuichi anything in particular, but he felt like everyone deserved to hear the truth. he didn't like to lie. it didn't come naturally to him. with it came a slimy feeling, what he could only describe as dishonor. he wasn't really sure why he had lied. it probably wouldn't have changed much in terms of how kazuichi felt. fuyuhiko had planned on staying over anyway, just to make sure that kazuichi wouldn't hurt himself again over the course of the night. 

not that it was his problem. or anyone's, really. but he felt partially responsible. as a remnant of despair, there was always something you could try and atone for. keyword being _try_. there wasn't all that much that could be done about living with the knowledge you had set fire to the world around you and laughed in the face of it all. 

needless to say, he slept soundly and dreamlessly. when he woke, it was still dim outside. the air was cool coming through the window, and if he listened hard, he could hear waves cresting over the sand of the beach. the peace of the early morning was pocked with pitiful whimpers. fuyuhiko sat up, pushing his head at a forty-five degree angle to crack his neck. he stood, wincing at the soreness at the base of his spine. it's what he got for agreeing to sleep on the floor. he peered over at kazuichi, watching him for a moment as he slept. kazuichi's eyes were screwed up tight, lines appearing on his forehead and between his eyes. as if on instinct, fuyuhiko placed the back of his hand on kazuichi's forehead. he was burning up. fuyuhiko repeated the same motion on kazuichi's cheeks. same result. he checked the time. he could probably wake mikan and ask her to get something from the pharmacy for kazuichi. he doubted that she'd mind. then again, he didn't want anyone asking questions about what he was doing with kazuichi so early in the morning. 

so, for lack of better options, he took it upon himself to go to the pharmacy and find something that would work. 

pills, pills, pills. so many and for what reason??

acetaminophen, nabumetone, ibuprofen, aspirin, what was any of this shit anyway? 

> "we need communism so people stop making eight different products that are the same fucking thing," grumbled fuyuhiko, shoving the bottles as best he could into his tight suit pockets.

fuyuhiko stopped at the restaurant before going back to kazuichi's cottage. he knew kazuichi liked waffles, so he toasted three of them, one for himself and two for kazuichi, and grabbed a plastic bag to carry them in. he snooped around the kitchen a while longer. there was a mostly-full bottle of cola in the fridge. he hesitated, figuring that more sugar wouldn't help kazuichi feel better physically. but he would probably appreciate the gesture, so fuyuhiko took the bottle and headed back. the sky was starting to lighten, and the air was a touch warmer than it had been before. 

when he arrived at kazuichi's cottage, he was already sitting up in bed.

> "you're back," said kazuichi, seemingly relieved.
> 
> "you're awake," fuyuhiko countered.

fuyuhiko set down the things he was carrying on the shelf, trying to make sense of the medications he had grabbed.

> "hey, what is all that?"
> 
> "medicine. you have a fever."

kazuichi put a hand to his forehead.

> "ha, guess i do," he chuckled.

fuyuhiko piled the bottles in his arms and dumped them on the bed.

> "take your pick, they're all the same to me."

kazuichi took each one in turn, carefully reading through the label before setting it down and grabbing another.

> fuyuhiko rolled his eyes. "what's taking you so long?"
> 
> "i'm trying to get a _feel_ for them, you know?"
> 
> "no, not at all."

kazuichi picked up the nabumetone, opening it and shaking two tablets into his hand.

> "fuyuhiko, could you get me a glass of wa--"

fuyuhiko was one step ahead of him, brandishing the bottle of cola.

kazuichi smiled, obviously pleased.

> "someone remembered what i like."

fuyuhiko scoffed dismissively.

> "it's not like it's hard to figure out."

fuyuhiko said nothing as he offered the bagged waffles to kazuichi, who raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

> "you know," said kazuichi around a bite of waffle.
> 
> "you do have a heart."

fuyuhiko rolled his eyes, exasperated.

> "if you tell anyone, i'll shave your whole head while you sleep."
> 
> "that could be a good look for me. hey, we would match!"
> 
> "that's not-- fuck you."
> 
> "you WISH," said kazuichi, sticking out his tongue.
> 
> "didn't know you were into that," fuyuhiko countered, biting into his waffle.
> 
> "i didn't know you were either," said kazuichi, winking cheekily.
> 
> "you're a piece of work, souda kazuichi," fuyuhiko muttered.
> 
> "ooh, full name, huh? sounds like i'm in trouble."
> 
> "you _will be_ if you keep fucking testing me, you worm."
> 
> "SORRY, I WAS JUST JOKING AROUND," kazuichi squawked, waving his hands.

fuyuhiko laughed breathily to himself, settling down on the couch.

they ate together without speaking, looking up at the monitor at the sound of usami's morning announcement.

> "guess we should go to breakfast," said kazuichi.
> 
> "yeah. i'm not very hungry, though. how's your head?"

kazuichi put his palm over his face.

> "it's a lot better, actually."
> 
> "and the scratches?"
> 
> "they're okay, too. you did a pretty good job helping me out with that."
> 
> "don't mention it," said fuyuhiko, meaning it.

he straightened the bottles of medicine on the shelf.

> "i'll go on ahead," said fuyuhiko.
> 
> "don't want anyone asking questions about us coming out of your cottage together."

a flicker of something crossed kazuichi's face briefly.

> "okay. see you, then."
> 
> "yeah. see ya."

fuyuhiko headed to breakfast, glad that kazuichi felt better.

yet, he couldn't help but wonder; what if he hadn't been joking at all?


	6. 0 to 100

breakfast was mostly uneventful.

the rest of fuyuhiko's classmates were up to their usual antics; akane absorbing an absolutely inhuman amount of food, nekomaru's bellowing laugh, gundham's occasional ominous comment about the fall of the humanity that would one day give way to the rise of enchanted cyber superiority. kazuichi was oddly quiet, fiddling with the little motor he had been working on yesterday.

> "hey, kazuichi, you're pretty quiet today. everything alright?" asked hajime, twirling a spoon on the tabletop.

a couple heads turned nonchalantly, waiting for kazuichi's response.

> "ahh, yeah, just woke up with a fever this morning," he blushed, scratching the back of his head.
> 
> "k-kazuichi, you should b-be in bed if you're feverish!" said mikan, concerned.
> 
> "no, i'm fine, really. i took some medicine when i woke up and i'm pretty much all good now."

his eyes briefly darted to fuyuhiko as he spoke, moving back to the machine when he saw fuyuhiko looking back.

> "well, you should n-never have to be sick alone! i-i'm always willing to help if you n-need anything," pressed mikan.
> 
> "thank you, but really, i'm okay. and i'm okay alone, anyway."

his voice wavered slightly over _alone_.

they finished breakfast as usual, everyone splitting off into respective groups or heading off individually. kazuichi tapped fuyuhiko on the shoulder on the way out.

> "so, did you still want to come back to the workshop today?" 

he seemed nervous.

> "yeah, sure. lead the way," fuyuhiko replied.

kazuichi flashed a quick grin, holding open the door for him as they left the restaurant. 

they didn't say much as they walked to the workshop, but that seemed okay. kazuichi set the little motor on the floor, wandering over to the stereo to turn on some music. fuyuhiko sat crosslegged, resting his weight on his hands as he waited for kazuichi.

kazuichi wiggled his eyebrows at fuyuhiko as he pressed _play._

what played could probably be described as music.

> "souda, what the hell is this... song?"
> 
> "it's called hand crushed by a mallet."
> 
> "you... like this stuff?"

kazuichi frowned.

> "yea, i do," he said, voice firmer than expected.

fuyuhiko felt a blush come to his cheeks.

> "sorry. i just wasn't expecting it."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "who's it by, anyway?"
> 
> "100 gecs."
> 
> "what kind of name is that?"

kazuichi shrugged. 

> "no clue."

kazuichi rummaged through a box, grabbing something from it and coming to sit near fuyuhiko.

he set it in front of fuyuhiko, who chuckled. it was a plastic figure of usami, with the arms and legs removed.

> "the motor's going inside here, and it should make her arms and legs move when you turn the key."
> 
> "got it."

kazuichi pinched the figure's head between his fingers, popping it off easily.

> "i don't think usami would approve of this," fuyuhiko said.
> 
> "pfft. since when have you cared about what usami thinks?"

_ouch. he was right, though._

> "touché."

kazuichi held the figure up to his face, closing one eye.

> "my fingers are gonna be too big to place the motor inside properly. i need some pliers."
> 
> "i'll grab a pair. where are they?"
> 
> "they're on the shelf to the right in the blue box. needle-nose please."
> 
> "needle what?"
> 
> "they're the kind with the long thin pinchy parts."
> 
> "you should've said that in the first place."

fuyuhiko rummaged through the box, grabbing what he assumed were the needle-nose pliers and offering them to kazuichi.

> "ah, sorry, i meant flat-nose, not needle-nose."
> 
> "what does that MEAN?'

kazuichi sighed dramatically, like he were dealing with an ameteur.

> "it's like the needle-nose, but flat."
> 
> "wow, thanks," said fuyuhiko, rolling his eyes so fast it made his vision spin.

he exchanged the mistaken needle-nose pliers for the flat-nose ones, and sat back down near kazuichi.

> "thanks," said kazuichi, holding the pliers in his left hand and the figure in the other.

huh.

> "you're left-handed?"

kazuichi looked over at him.

> "oh, yea. why?"
> 
> "no reason. just never noticed it before."

kazuichi returned to the little motor. he pushed it inside with the pliers, sticking out his tongue. it was clear he was really focused. a different song came on, and fuyuhiko gave it a listen for a moment.

> "oi, kazuichi."
> 
> "yeah?" he replied, not looking up from what he was doing.
> 
> "is this still 100 gecs?"

kazuichi looked up, listening thoughtfully.

> "yup. this one's called ringtone."
> 
> "oh... i like this one."

kazuichi grinned at him.

> "i'm glad. it's one of my favorites."

kazuichi hummed along as he put usami's head back on. _hmm, hmm, hm, hm, hm, hmm, hmm..._

kazuichi rocked back on his heels as he fussed with the spring, still humming. it was... kind of cute. he seemed like he was feeling a lot better compared to how he'd been last night. kazuichi must have noticed him staring. he blushed and stopped rocking and humming immediately, continuing in silence.

> "why'd you stop?"
> 
> "hmm?" kazuichi cocked his head like a puppy.
> 
> "the rocking back and forth and the humming and shit."
> 
> "oh." his face turned pinker.
> 
> "it's just... embarrassing. i try not to do it around other people. sorry."
> 
> "why is it embarrassing?" asked fuyuhiko.

he was genuinely curious. it wasn't strange to him at all.

> "umm... most people don't really like it when i do that. they think it's weird. and i don't want to bother anyone, so i just try not to do it."

fuyuhiko clenched his jaw.

> "who cares what other people think?"

kazuichi seemed taken aback.

> "if they have something to say about you, they can fuck right off. tell em' to come talk to me if there's trouble."

kazuichi's face went blank for a moment, like he wasn't quite sure what he should be feeling. 

a couple fat tears slipped down his face.

> "whoa, why are you crying?"

he sniffled and wiped his nose with his sleeve, which was far from the cleanest piece of fabric in the world. he sighed and took a deep breath in.

> "my whole life, people have either ignored me or gone out of their way to hurt me. i'm not used to having anyone take my side... for anything."

fuyuhiko felt a pang in his chest. kazuichi didn't deserve that. he was... all things considered, being a remnant of despair, a sweet, well-meaning guy. he tended to put on a brave face with the way he dressed and acted, but he was all soft and tender at his center.

fuyuhiko felt a strong kind of empathy in that moment.

> "well, get used to it, because i'm not going anywhere."
> 
> "you... you mean that?"
> 
> "i'm not one to lie."

he thought back to the night before.

> "kazuichi?"
> 
> "yea?"
> 
> "i said i'm not one to lie. i'm not usually, and what i just said was true. but...

kazuichi waited for him to finish.

> "i did lie to you last night."
> 
> "about what?"
> 
> "i told you i had always had nightmares. it wasn't really a lie, but it wasn't completely the truth either. you see, the thing is..."

kazuichi listened patiently without interrupting as fuyuhiko explained himself. he almost wished he had, because it was really embarrassing to come clean about, even if it wasn't a big deal. actually, maybe because it wasn't a big deal. either way, fuyuhiko felt clammy, and quickly wrapped up his thought.

> "...and, yeah, it probably doesn't really matter at all but i don't want to be the type of guy who lies about stupid shit, so, there."
> 
> "thanks for telling me, fuyuhiko," said kazuichi with a small smile.
> 
> "i, uh, haven't been 100% truthful either, so don't be too hard on yourself."
> 
> "what do you mean?"
> 
> "well..."

there was a long pause as kazuichi chewed on his lip.

> "okay... fuck, here goes... i'm autistic, and i've been afraid to tell anyone because they already think i'm weird, and i don't want to deal with people calling me things or asking rude questions about shit they have no business knowing, or acting like i'm some charity case they only spend time around of pity, and--"
> 
> "that's all?"
> 
> "...huh?"

fuyuhiko whistled out.

> "i thought you were gonna confess that you were taking bits of everyone's hair while they slept or something."
> 
> "so... you're not weirded out? or mad? or anything?"
> 
> "why would i be? it's just who you are, dude. if anyone takes issue with that, it's their problem, not yours."

kazuichi's shoulders sagged in relief.

> "fuyuhiko... thank you. really. i don't think i've told many people, and it just... feels really nice to hear something like that."
> 
> "of course, kazuichi. just because i'm a gang member doesn't mean i'm a coldhearted bastard all the time."
> 
> "i know that."

he did? fuyuhiko didn't really know how to respond.

> "i mean... that's not.... everything i haven't been transparent about, but it's what i'm comfortable with sharing right now."
> 
> "hey, that's fine. you don't have to tell me anything. take your time, there's no rush or anything."
> 
> "right. thanks. again."
> 
> "don't mention it."

fuyuhiko watched kazuichi work for a while, beginning to see why kazuichi liked 1000 gec, or whatever. it was really high-energy, and kind of insane to listen to. but maybe that was something good. he wasn't sure yet.

> "oi, kazuichi," he said after a while.
> 
> "hmm?"
> 
> "that looks pretty good. almost done?"
> 
> "yea, i'm just making sure the coil is tight enough. here."

he handed the usami windup toy to fuyuhiko. their fingertips brushed slightly.

fuyuhiko twisted the key a couple of rotations, then set the little usami on the floor. to his delight, her arms and legs started moving her robotically forward.

> "nice work, souda."
> 
> "thanks!" said kazuichi, pride shining in his gaze. 
> 
> "hey, what time is it?" kazuichi asked. 
> 
> "11:53," fuyuhiko replied after glancing at his watch.
> 
> "ah, almost lunchtime. i better go give this to hajime."

huh? hajime?

> "hajime?" he said aloud.
> 
> "oh, yea. i forgot to tell you i'd been making it for him. thanks for keeping me company as i put it together. i'll see you at lunch!" 

kazuichi grinned and waved at fuyuhiko before he left. fuyuhiko waved weakly back.

hajime... why? he didn't know if kazuichi was giving it to him out of kindness, or as a sort of courtship gift. was he even gay? kazuichi was oblivious, sure, gay or not, but could he really not know that hajime and nagito were completely and utterly infatuated with each other and no one else.

fuyuhiko felt bile rise in his throat. he decided he didn't like 100 gecs, and left the workshop hastily, not wanting to hear anymore.


	7. self sabotage

fuyuhiko ditched lunch. he was admittedly hungry, but he didn't want to see kazuichi right now.

well, he did want to see him. but not being all chummy with hinata fucking hajime. like, we get it, you're gay and in love with a fucking mentally cracked dude who gets off on hope. fuyuhiko was sitting in the field in the ranch, pulling chunks of grass and dirt out of the ground in frustration. he imagined each clump was hajime's stupid face. he was always so naive and unassuming. bastard. always in other people's business, sticking his pointy little nose where it didn't belong. maybe he and kazuichi and nagito could be a throuple.

...

it was meant to be mocking, but, thinking about it, it was kind of... hot?

he shook his head free of the thought. NO. he was mad.

it was his damn fault for trusting someone. he was stupid, and he knew better. he should, at least. he felt like screaming. he thought about what he told kazuichi, about being yourself and not caring what people think. he took a deep breath. he screamed, and it was angry, but it was mostly sad. he let the molten thing in his stomach cool. he steeled himself, in an attempt to put his walls back up. he stood, brushing pieces of grass off his slacks. he headed to the restaurant, determined to not let some boy make him vulnerable.

he opened the door harder than he meant to, making it slam loudly against the opposite wall. his classmates looked up to see what the noise was.

> "hey, fuyuhiko!" kazuichi called to him from a table where he was sitting with nagito and... hajime.
> 
> "come sit with us," said hajime, smiling as sweetly as a jar of pure fucking honey.

fuyuhiko sneered, deliberately avoiding their table as he went to sit by the balcony with peko.

> "young master-- fuyuhiko?" peko corrected herself.
> 
> "what?" fuyuhiko snapped, propping his feet up on the table.
> 
> "you're upset. did something happen?"
> 
> "would you stop fucking grilling me? it's nothing, alright?"

peko said nothing more. fuyuhiko was aware of everyone looking at him, but he pretended not to notice. he looked out the window, trying to tune out the hushed voices of hajime and kazuichi, probably babbling on and on about the joy of polyamory. peko got up quietly, sliding a plate of karinto over to him upon her return.

he was thankful for the sweets, but he wasn't about to be seen as a weak sissy. he pushed the plate away and got up without saying a word to peko or hajime or kazuichi or any of the others. he headed for the library, taking the road down to the other islands with clipped steps. 

> "kuzuryuu fuyuhiko!" said usami, appearing in his path.
> 
> "where the fuck did you come from? and what do you want?"

usami tugged her ears nervously.

> "it's come to my attention that you're not getting along with everyone else in the class."
> 
> "yea? so what? what the fuck does it matter?"

usami made a crying noise.

> "d-during the heart-throbbing school field trip, everyone is supposed to get along and bond with each other."
> 
> "so fucking WHAT? I DON'T CARE. FUCK THEM AND FUCK THIS TRIP. GET OUT OF MY WAY."

with tears in her eyes, usami disappeared just as soon as she had come.

fuyuhiko continued over the bridges to the library, sweating beneath his suit. he didn't think anyone was following him, but checked every so often just in case. the library was cool and dim and blissfully quiet as fuyuhiko slipped inside. the smell of wood and paper was a welcome one. he lay on one of the dark wooden desks for a while, his hands on his stomach as it rose and fell. after a while, though, he got bored, and started perusing the shelves for something interesting. the books were neatly alphabetized, and fuyuhiko ran his fingers across the lettered spines as he walked. 

_kuzuryu, kuzuryu, kuzuryu_. 

he clambered onto the bottom shelf, straining to catch the side of a book too high for him to reach. it fell to the floor with a clatter of binding and a flutter of pages. fuyuhiko leaped down, picking it up and rifling through it. he expected a detailed account of clan activity, but instead found a collection of folktales. 

* * *

_During the Nara period, a legend arose that the Nine-headed Dragon had settled in Lake Ashi in Hakone, and that it demanded a sacrifice. To appease the dragon, the villagers agreed to select a house by shooting a white-feathered arrow and seeing where it landed, then sacrificing the daughter of the house. A priest named Mankan cursed the dragon, and is said to have chained it to the Upside-down Cedar (an underwater rock formation). As a result of this legend, the dragon came to be worshipped as Kuzuryu Daimyojin, Great God Nine-Headed Dragon._

_The legend continues, saying Mankan saw the dragon reform and change into a Dragon King. He then built a shrine to the dragon. After this the customary offering to the dragon changed from human sacrifice to steamed rice with red beans. Kuzuryu is said to have appeared in response to the echoing sound of a rock door to a cave torn off by another god, and flung down to earth. The thrown door became Mount Togakushi, and Kuzuryu became a nearby mountain of the same name. At the foot of Mount Togakushi resides Togakushi Shrine, where a small shrine dedicated to the Kuzuryu can be found._

* * *

so that's where the dragon symbol came from. 

fuyuhiko supposed it suited his family. regal, quick to anger. but, then again, wasn't that true of all yakuza? wasn't that required to maintain such a lifestyle?

> "fuyuhiko?" called a voice. 

fuyuhiko nearly dropped the book. he craned up at the top shelf, thinking. he slipped the book in his suit pocket and leaned over the railing to see who it was. hajime. figures. how hadn't fuyuhiko heard him come in?

> "what the hell do you want?"
> 
> "i just want to talk."

fuyuhiko scoffed.

> "fine. talk. doesn't mean i'll listen."
> 
> "fuyuhiko, please. just hear me out."

something in his tone seemed desperate.

fuyuhiko hoisted himself over the railing, sitting and letting his legs dangle over the edge.

> "i'm listening, but make it quick."
> 
> "i don't know why you're acting like this. and, normally, it wouldn't really bother me, because it seems like your default state."

fuyuhiko was surprised at the edge in hajime's voice. he sounded... angry.

> "it's all fine and good if your mood swings send _you_ into fits, but when it hurts someone else, that's when i have to draw the line."
> 
> "the fuck are you talkin' about? it's not like peko isn't used to this shit, anyway."

hajime laughed humorlessly.

> "you're really dense, you know that?"

fuyuhiko clenched his fists so tightly he thought his knuckles might break. he jumped gracefully from the second level to the first, trying not to show the pain that shot through his legs upon landing. he walked toward hajime until their faces were inches apart, fuyuhiko's fist balled into hajime's shirt.

> "say that again, say it to my fucking face."
> 
> "you think i came here to insult you?" hajime huffed.
> 
> "why else would you be here, dumbass?"
> 
> "i'm not here for you. i'm here for him. but i'm leaving, now. sorry to bother you."

hajime pushed his hand away, straightening his shirt before turning to leave.

> "HEY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

hajime left wordlessly, his frame replaced with peko's as she entered the library.

> "young master--"
> 
> "I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING CALL ME THAT."
> 
> "young master," she repeated.

he was taken aback. why was everyone acting so fucking weird?

> "what, peko?" he snapped, running a hand over his cropped hair.

she opened her mouth as if to speak, but seemed to reconsider.

> "cmon,' fucking say it."
> 
> "fuyuhiko, i have seen you in all the ways you can be."
> 
> "what? what does that have to do with anything--"
> 
> "please let me continue," she interrupted firmly.

fuyuhiko shut his mouth.

> "you are often angry, but you are not an angry person."

fuyuhiko didn't understand, but she pressed on.

> "as your right hand, i have seen what it is to have your weaknesses out in the open. it is my duty to protect you from those who wish to exploit those weaknesses."

okay, that he understood, but what was she getting at.

> "what i cannot protect you from is a betrayal from the inside."
> 
> "what?"

there were tears in her eyes.

> "peko-"
> 
> "i care for you in more ways than a right hand should. that is what makes me weak. and it betrays me each day."

fuyuhiko was speechless.

> "i know you do not feel the same for me. i do not resent you for this. for years, i have tried my best to see you behind the front you put up to protect yourself. some might say that no one would be better suited for such a thing than i. and yet... that is not my purpose."
> 
> "peko, wait-"
> 
> "please. let me speak. just this once."
> 
> "..."
> 
> "i have seen before moments in which you have lowered your defenses in pursuit of affirmation in the form of others."
> 
> "i-i don't understand."

peko's gaze was cold.

> "you have sought out affection because you want to feel needed. i've seen it from time to time. and i am seeing it once again.

_what?_

> "i cannot protect your from yourself, but i will always try. you fear being hurt and betrayed by others, but the true betrayal comes from within. do not let it deceive you."

what fuyuhiko had just heard seemed impossible to process.

> "peko, can you please just explain to me what you're trying to say?"
> 
> "i take my leave of you, young master fuyuhiko. i shall be waiting in the event that you need me."
> 
> "peko, please," fuyuhiko pleaded, grabbing her wrist.
> 
> "ah, yes, there is something i am forgetting."

she met his eyes, and there was such a sadness there. she pulled her arm free with ease.

> "there is someone waiting for you at the beach."

and with that, fuyuhiko was left alone in the darkened library.

now alone, fuyuhiko screamed. at peko, at hajime, at himself. 

he was so confused. what did peko mean, betrayal? none of this made any sense.

he thought he had been careful in the past about keeping his romantic affairs a secret. because it was dangerous, of course, but really because it was something unsavory. he had never kept a long-standing relationship for obvious reasons, but he had never told peko, or anyone, really, about what he did in the dark, or who he did it with. not only had peko confessed her feelings to him, she had confessed to knowing about his bisexuality. he really wasn't sure which was more disorienting.

wait... she had said something, just before she left. something about the beach?

fuyuhiko stood still for a moment, before leaving the library, not bothering to close the door behind him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took the legend of kuzuryu the dragon king right from wikipedia. i thought it was pretty cool, and worth including for sure. here's the link if you wanna read it for yourself: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuzury%C5%AB


	8. i like boys

a breeze was coming off the ocean as fuyuhiko walked over the sand.

fuyuhiko stopped, at a loss.

kazuichi was sitting at the edge of the water. his beanie was laying next to him, covered in sand. his hair was wild as he ran his fingers through it, black at the roots, and pink everywhere else.

he seemed to notice being watched, because he turned his head.

> "f-fuyuhiko," he said, getting up and brushing off his pants. 
> 
> "hey," fuyuhiko replied, voice cracking slightly.
> 
> "peko told me someone was waiting here for me, so i came."
> 
> "well.. thank you for coming here."

there was a pregnant pause as the two of them shuffled their feet into the sand.

> "are you angry with me?" asked kazuichi, breaking the silence.
> 
> "because, if you are, please just tell me so i can know what i did wrong and try to fix it. i'm really really sorry and i didn't mean to upset you if i did-"
> 
> "kazuichi, i'm not mad at you."
> 
> "really?"
> 
> "well.. yeah."

kazuichi didn't look convinced.

> "i'm not mad at you."
> 
> "then why were you acting so weird at lunch?"
> 
> "well..."

what was he supposed to do? come out to kazuichi on the spot????? 

> "it's kind of hard to explain."
> 
> "okay. then start from the beginning."

kazuichi sat down, patting the ground across from him in an invitation.

fuyuhiko hesitated, not wanting to ruin his pants, but caved after a moment.

> "please tell me what happened."
> 
> "well...."

he started at the beginning like kazuichi asked him to. he told him about how he had rushed off to give hajime his present.

> "i dunno... it felt like you didn't really care that i was there."

kazuichi nibbled his lip.

> "of course i care. i know what it's like to be sidelined. i would never do that to you."

fuyuhiko huffed.

> "fine, then. what were you giving him a gift for, anyway? and don't you dare say 'just because.'"
> 
> "hajime talked me through something that had been bugging me for a while. and... he also made me think about something i haven't really thought about before. i wanted to thank him, but i'm not really great at words, or anything, so i wanted to make him something fun.'

okay, now fuyuhiko kind of felt like an asshole. throwing a temper tantrum over nothing, well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time.

> "can i ask something?"
> 
> "sure," kazuichi replied, picking at his cuticles.
> 
> "what did you guys talk about?"

kazuichi's hands stopped moving.

> "well.. you know how i've been, like obsessed with sonia, right?"

fuyuhiko's heart plummeted to his ass. he was so stupid. so fucking stupid stupid stupid stupid.

of course kazuichi was straight. he of all people should've known that. 

he forced himself to reply.

> "yeah."
> 
> "well... he told me about how creepy and shallow i had been to her. i didn't even know i was being that way. so, i talked to her and apologized. i told her i would lay off, and that i was sorry i'd bothered her in the first place."

what?????

> "she said we could be friends, which is good. i really do think she's nice, i just realized i wasn't really into her, but rather the idea of her."
> 
> "...what?"
> 
> "she's definitely into gundham anyway. but, i know, crazy coming from me, i get it."
> 
> "that's what you and hajime talked about?"

kazuichi blushed. 

> "you don't have to sound so disappointed. yea, we talked about that, but.. that's not all we talked about."

_oh my fucking god, please just spit it out, i can't take this anymore._

> "holy shit, this is hard," kazuichi laughed, swallowing hard.

fuyuhiko was about to start bleeding internally from all the tension in his gut.

> "after talking to hajime, i realized, with his help that... i like boys."

wait... what the fuck?

> "i mean.... like... just boys. i don't think i'm really into girls. but, uh, people who aren't, like, boys or girls are cool."

this couldn't be real life...

> "so, i'm gay. i think. and... i kind of wanted to talk to you about it because hajime told me you were bi and maybe you could relate to this kind of thing.."

fucking goddamn hinata hajime and his big mouth. fuyuhiko made a mental note to rip him a new one later.

> "anyway, i'm gay. i like boys, but... that's not what's been bothering me the most."

fuyuhiko was in the new world program all over again, he was convinced. there was no way this could really be happening... right?

> "fuyuhiko... i like you. i think i have for a while. so... like... i want to hold your hand and sit with you while i'm working on a new project and maybe, like, i don't know-"

fuyuhiko had grabbed the collar of kazuichi's shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.

what the fuck what the fuck what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...

this was really happening. he was kissing kazuichi and kazuichi... was kissing him back. more than that. he wrapped his long arms around fuyuhiko's waist...

fuyuhiko broke them apart. he started talking a mile a minute, but he couldn't help it. the dam had broken, so it would seem.

> "i'm so sorry. i was mad because i thought hajime and nagito had asked you to join their relationship or something, and i was so mad because i really really hoped you were gay too, because, fuck, i like you, and i'd be damned if you were gay but weren't with me... which is really conceited, jesus-"

kazuichi kissed him again.

> "please stop talking," he said.
> 
> "okay," fuyuhiko replied.

he could live with not talking. probably.


	9. fin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm so tired and my arms are cramping up but it's finished!! this is a labor of love that i hope is enjoyed by all those who find it! comment if you like bc i desperately crave feedback. also if you catch any typos in this just close your eyes and pretend they're not there. okay bye thank you :D ALSO sequel to this fic is HERE https://archiveofourown.org/works/25286629/chapters/61307137

hajime and nagito were holding hands under the table at the start of dinner.

> "hey, hajime," nagito said, with that tone of voice hajime knew all too well.
> 
> "you think fuyuhiko's fallen into despair yet?"
> 
> "no, i think he's stronger than that."

nagito blew a piece of white hair out of his eyes.

> "you have more faith in him than me."
> 
> " _someone_ has to," said hajime pointedly.

nagito shrugged, eyes darting over to the restaurant door as their classmates filed in. fuyuhiko shuffled in at the back of the group, hands in his pockets. 

> "hey, fuyu-"

hajime clapped his free hand over nagito's mouth.

> "if he wants to talk, he'll do it in his own time."

nagito licked hajime's palm.

> "ewwwwwwwwww, you're so gross."

nagito stuck his tongue out, looking pleased with himself.

fuyuhiko walked over to their table slowly, gaze unreadable.

> "fuyuhiko," began hajime gently.

fuyuhiko punched him square in the stomach. he doubled over, coughing.

> "what the hell, fuyuhiko?" demanded nagito, supporting hajime as he struggled to breathe.
> 
> "what.... was that.... for?" wheezed hajime.

fuyuhiko crossed his arms.

> _"that's_ for telling kazuichi i'm the patron saint of bisexuality. you fucker."

speaking of kazuichi, hajime noticed he had appeared behind fuyuhiko, bouncing on his heels.

> "wait..." nagito said, letting hajime collapse onto the floor.
> 
> "are you two...?"
> 
> "yea," kazuichi chirped, shark-tooth grin as wide as could be.

hajime picked himself up, promptly squeezing fuyuhiko and kazuichi into a tight hug, all the while ignoring their protests.

> "so proud of you guys."
> 
> "me too," said nagito with a devious smirk.
> 
> "um... fuyuhiko?" kazuichi said, tugging fuyuhiko's hand.
> 
> "wha's up?"
> 
> "umm.... everyone's kind of staring at us..."

sure enough, everyone was.

fuyuhiko cleared his throat, grabbing kazuichi's hand.

> "WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL LOOKING AT? NEVER SEEN A HAPPY GAY COUPLE BEFORE?"
> 
> "we are very happy for you, i can assure you that we're not homophobic," said sonia.
> 
> "i do sometimes wish those two would've stayed in the closet, though," said hiyoko, gesturing to hajime and nagito.
> 
> "hey!" hajime pouted.
> 
> "i'm very proud of you two," said nekomaru, tears choking his deep voice.
> 
> "okay, great, yes, very happy for everyone involved, but can we _please_ eat now? i'm wasting away just listening to this."

there was collective laughter and approval as everyone began bringing out food and helping themselves.

hajime, nagito, kazuichi, and fuyuhiko all sat together, the tension between them having long since dissipated. 

fuyuhiko craned his neck trying to catch a glimpse of peko.

she was sitting with sonia, who was holding her and gundham's hands. peko was smiling ever so slightly.

fuyuhiko relaxed. one fewer weight on his shoulders.

> "hey," kazuichi said, bumping his shoulder.
> 
> "hey," replied fuyuhiko playfully.
> 
> "so... how am i gonna tell everyone i'm autistic?"
> 
> "if you want to, i'll help you. if you don't want to, i'll support you. whatever you want is good."

kazuichi smiled so big it hurt fuyuhiko's heart in a million different ways. much to fuyuhiko's surprise, kazuichi snuck a quick kiss on his cheek.

nagito giggled.

> "he's bright pink," he half-whispered to hajime.

fuyuhiko knew he was right. he didn't really care, though. he rested his head on kazuichi's shoulder. his mind wandered as he relaxed into a comfortable reality.

he wasn't religious. never had been. he thought the whole idea of some guy watching him from somewhere in heaven was bogus. but he also believed that there was something inherent all things shared. he couldn't describe it by name, he just knew it was there. somehow.

he wondered if natsumi was watching him, wherever she was.

**Author's Note:**

> yo so kazuichi and fuyuhiko are big big big comfort characters for me and though i don't particularly enjoy anything i write, i have to make content for them for it to exist pretty much :p a fuckton of this is projecting bc i'm autistic and a lesbian and nonbinary, but also because i feel like it would be pretty organic for them to have a lot of the same traits i do. anyway this is self-servient in a lot of ways but i hope yall can enjoy it too :D


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